3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Swine flu. Run for my life!
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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