Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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