Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
