I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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