I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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