I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
