That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
