her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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