i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
