They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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