I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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