I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
