The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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