There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
