She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
