I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
