My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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