Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
im on a boat
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