i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
