Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
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Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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