The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
