We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
