just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
