I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
