dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
my liver is dry heaving
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
