How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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