wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
