god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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