I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
