my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
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believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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