I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
How external is "for external use only"?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
