the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
