Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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