I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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