when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
