It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
