Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
