I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
