Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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