I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
