I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
