I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
