he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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