I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
