Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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