if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
