Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
