I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
