is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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