Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
