and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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