im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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