if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
