I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My feet surprised me
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
