Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I will pee on everything he values.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
