NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
