I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
