Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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